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Loki1313's Journal


Loki1313's Journal

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30 entries this month
 

Joke of the Day

21:11 Jun 30 2014
Times Read: 482


A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "Ill bet you five dollars you cant. Its too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. Thats from your Grandma."


COMMENTS

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Jokes of the Day

22:09 Jun 29 2014
Times Read: 497


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."



She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"



A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.



"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."



Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.



"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies



"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
03:54 Jun 30 2014

Oh - you are so bad...lol!





 

Another Joke For the Day

10:37 Jun 27 2014
Times Read: 510


A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the First time, her father’s nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn’t have. She asks, “What are those round things hanging there, daddy?”

Proudly, he replies, “Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn’t be here.”

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said. To which mommy asks, “Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?”


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
04:26 Jun 28 2014

LMAO!!!

This one is really good...





 

Joke of the Day

10:35 Jun 27 2014
Times Read: 511


A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.

‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.

The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!’


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
04:25 Jun 28 2014

LOL! I needed a laugh today...thanks.





 

To Funny To Keep Until Tomorrow

21:00 Jun 26 2014
Times Read: 527


Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"


COMMENTS

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EmilyRoseScott
EmilyRoseScott
07:19 Jun 30 2014

Haha thats a good one XD





 

Another Joke For the Day

20:56 Jun 26 2014
Times Read: 528


An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table. ...Alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it to her saying who it came from. She looks at the bottle and decides to send a note over to the man. The note said "For me to accept this bottle, you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank , and 7 inches in your pants.." After reading the note, the man sends one back to her and it read: "Just so you know, I have a Ferrari testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560 sel, I have over 20 million in the bank, but not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off 3 inches! Just send the bottle back


COMMENTS

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Joke of the Day

19:52 Jun 26 2014
Times Read: 532


A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although its a nice hotel, the rooms certainly arent worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didnt use it!"

The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"Thats right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"What! I didnt sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."


COMMENTS

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xFeLiNax
xFeLiNax
20:02 Jun 26 2014

~shakes head~



Your just not right Loki lol





xFeLiNax
xFeLiNax
21:18 Jun 26 2014

*you're



ugh.. slaps typist





EmilyRoseScott
EmilyRoseScott
07:23 Jun 30 2014

Lol ooooh thats good XD





 

Another Joke For the Day

22:28 Jun 21 2014
Times Read: 557


The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "Im in love," replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly that is? Sure Id like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child." "Oh, dont worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "Ill use a rubber!"


COMMENTS

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shine
shine
23:03 Jun 21 2014

funny:)





Loki1313
Loki1313
23:09 Jun 21 2014

Thank you.





randicloudbead
randicloudbead
00:55 Jun 22 2014

Yep, kids these days arent as innocent as they once were





 

Another Joke For the Day

10:44 Jun 21 2014
Times Read: 579


A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "Its this Viagra," he says, "its really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. Its this Viagra," he says, "Its really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but its this Viagra. Its really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? Im fucking STARVING!"


COMMENTS

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Joke of the Day

09:28 Jun 21 2014
Times Read: 584


Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he had left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit. "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."


COMMENTS

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Joke of the Day

19:04 Jun 20 2014
Times Read: 602


Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. Well take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you dont even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey were not going to buy all this stuff." The wifes face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
19:58 Jun 20 2014

LMAO!





Serenity
Serenity
20:14 Jun 20 2014

bhuaaaaaaaa





 

Joke of the Day

23:35 Jun 19 2014
Times Read: 614


A man is telling a story... "I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next hole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.

That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasnt about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
23:47 Jun 19 2014

Oh no...LOL





Vloth
Vloth
19:43 Jun 20 2014

Absofuckinglutely fabulous!





 

Joke of the Day

09:03 Jun 19 2014
Times Read: 624


News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...


COMMENTS

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randicloudbead
randicloudbead
21:22 Jun 19 2014

Hahah, well least he died one happy bunny XD





Isis101
Isis101
23:46 Jun 19 2014

I know...lol.

(And I believe that bunny was older than 6 years)





 

Joke of the Day

01:06 Jun 18 2014
Times Read: 647


Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. Its a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, youve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
01:14 Jun 18 2014

LMAO! Damn...





DanteDM
DanteDM
01:25 Jun 18 2014

LMAO VERY FUNNY





Silentxr8
Silentxr8
06:47 Jun 18 2014

I have copied and pasted and sent to my actual friend "Bob" XD and he happens to be a stand up comedian but nothing big time and I only laughed and got few of his jokes lol





Vloth
Vloth
13:36 Jun 18 2014

As a 54 year old Bob. I had to laugh out loud. Keep up the excellent posts.





 

Another Joke For the Day

02:04 Jun 17 2014
Times Read: 657


An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, Im going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time Im going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, Im jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishmans wife was weeping. She said, "If Id known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexicans wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didnt realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blondes wife. The blondes wife said, "Dont look at me. He makes his own lunch!


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
21:39 Jun 17 2014

LOL!





 

Joke of the Day

01:58 Jun 17 2014
Times Read: 658


The boss was in a quandary; he had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."


COMMENTS

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Joke of the Day

22:30 Jun 14 2014
Times Read: 677


When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but Im sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed. Arent older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crises....


COMMENTS

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Vladvampirelord
Vladvampirelord
23:30 Jun 14 2014

Haha.





Isis101
Isis101
02:15 Jun 15 2014

Yes - they do. LOL





 

Another Joke For the Day

23:43 Jun 13 2014
Times Read: 689


The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me fuck you for a dollar?" "Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me fuck you for a million dollars?" After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper. A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me fuck you for five dollars?" "Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?" "Weve already established that" replied the man, "Were just haggling over the price!"


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
00:35 Jun 14 2014

Some businessmen. Jeesh.





 

Another Joke For the Day

21:49 Jun 13 2014
Times Read: 692


While traveling thru the Appalachians, a circus lost one of its elephants. The elephant wound up grazing in a hillbilly garden and the owner spied him. Not recognizing the type of beast it was the backwoodsman phoned the Sheriff. The Sheriff asked the man what the animal looked like to which he replied, Well, he's big and gray and has a tail on both ends. The Sheriff then asked what the animal was doing. The backwoodsman replied, He's standing in my garden pulling cornstalks up with his tail. The Sheriff then asked what's he doing with the cornstalks? The backwoodsman said, Sheriff, if I told you ,you wouldn't believe me!


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
00:35 Jun 14 2014

Cute! lol





 

Another Joke For the Day

08:46 Jun 13 2014
Times Read: 709


A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave - side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held in cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he got lost and being like some of the rest of us did not stop and ask for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he wouldnt hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. And the preacher began. As he preached, some of the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and "Alleluia". Well, it kind of got him going and sort of got wound up and he preached like hed never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer, closed his bible and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another," I aint never seen anything like that before and Ive been puttin in septic tanks for twenty years."


COMMENTS

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randicloudbead
randicloudbead
10:42 Jun 13 2014

Lol, it was a septic tank did not see that one coming XD





Vloth
Vloth
17:16 Jun 13 2014

Thanks my friend. I needed a laugh. Been a hell of a week! Hope you have a great weekend!





Isis101
Isis101
00:36 Jun 14 2014

LOL! A good one!





 

Joke of the Day

06:15 Jun 13 2014
Times Read: 711


A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I dont feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so youre not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so youre not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so youre not getting any bacon." Just then the boys father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"


COMMENTS

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randicloudbead
randicloudbead
10:44 Jun 13 2014

Lol thats a good mom and a watchful one too guess dad and the kid aint eatin breakfast haha





Isis101
Isis101
00:38 Jun 14 2014

LOL!





 

A Joke From A Friend

23:40 Jun 05 2014
Times Read: 731


whats the difference between going to hell and walking up a hill?





nothing

they are just spelled differently


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
01:21 Jun 06 2014

I felt that today...lol





 

Another Joke For the Day

23:15 Jun 05 2014
Times Read: 733


A couples taking a walk, and as they walk hand-in-hand, the guy starts to get aroused. Hes just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I have to take a pee." He says, "Sure, go behind the hedge." She disappears behind the hedge, and as he waits, he hears the sound of her jeans being rolled down her legs and imagines her exposed vagina. He can't contain himself, so he reaches through a gap in the hedge and touches her leg. Then he moves his hand up her thigh until he finds himself gripping something long and thick between her legs. He says, "My God, Mary, did you change your sex?" She says, "No, I changed my mind. Im taking a shit instead."


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
01:21 Jun 06 2014

Eeeeeew! LOL!





 

Another Joke For the Day

09:41 Jun 05 2014
Times Read: 743


A middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party. They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they went off with the opposite spouse. When the woman saw the male martians penis she said "Well thats nice but its kind of short isnt it?" Well the martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that his penis got longer and longer. The woman saw that and said "Thats nice but its not very fat is it?" The martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that his penis got fatter and fatter. The women had a grand time that night. In the morning the man and woman were comparing their experience. The woman said "I really enjoyed myself, we should swap again." The man said "I enjoyed it too but, I just cant figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
01:20 Jun 06 2014

LMAO!





 

Joke of the Day

08:34 Jun 05 2014
Times Read: 748


A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.


COMMENTS

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randicloudbead
randicloudbead
09:24 Jun 05 2014

I laughed loudly XD. I guess that woman is out of luck then XD Unless she some how got caught again but I doubt it oh well!





Isis101
Isis101
01:19 Jun 06 2014

LoL...messed up!





 

Another Joke For the Day

02:21 Jun 05 2014
Times Read: 763


A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes lips and started kissing her. She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says. A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her tits. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "For when I have white meat - I have white wine." Eventually he works his way down to her vagina, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the fuck did you do that!?!" she yells. The pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to go down in flames."


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
03:06 Jun 05 2014

This is soooo bad...lol!





Serenity
Serenity
03:23 Jun 05 2014

bhuaaaaaaaa





randicloudbead
randicloudbead
05:59 Jun 05 2014

Haha thats funny XD





 

Joke of the Day

18:39 Jun 04 2014
Times Read: 777


The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldnt hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
23:08 Jun 04 2014

Oh...this is so messed up. LOL!





randicloudbead
randicloudbead
06:05 Jun 05 2014

Lol. Yeps some men like to golf XD





 

Joke of the Day

18:09 Jun 02 2014
Times Read: 791


A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didnt see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
23:39 Jun 02 2014

OMG - LMAO!

If I stayed with my ex for a lil' longer, this is what would have happened to him. ol





RaynesAsylum
RaynesAsylum
03:47 Jun 04 2014

lol





dabbler
dabbler
18:51 Jun 04 2014

a classic.





 

Joke of the Day

21:01 Jun 01 2014
Times Read: 802


These three lads are drinking in a pub when this bloke comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while the bloke goes up to the group of lads, points at the one in the middle and says, in a drunken slur, "Ive shagged your Mum." The three lads look bewildered and the bloke goes back to drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your Mum has sucked my penis." The three lads try and ignore him and he goes back to the bar. After another ten minutes he comes back and shouts, "Ive had your Mum up the arse." By now the lads have had enough and the one in the middle stands up and says, "Look, Dad, youre pissed. Now fuck off home."


COMMENTS

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randicloudbead
randicloudbead
23:38 Jun 01 2014

Lol thats funny





Isis101
Isis101
00:28 Jun 02 2014

LOL!





 

Joke of the Day

06:16 Jun 01 2014
Times Read: 809


A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."


COMMENTS

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Isis101
Isis101
06:19 Jun 01 2014

Lol! Eeew...





elviscat
elviscat
01:41 Jul 01 2014

i read all your jokes,laughing out LOUD,Elviscat.





Loki1313
Loki1313
19:41 Jul 12 2014

I'm glad to see some of you good people like the jokes.








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